Seeing as

my computer is in constant state of disrepair, this may seem like a cop out, and the fact that I really don't adhere to any christian dogma may make it seem pointless. But, nevertheless, I am giving up my computer and the internet for the duration of Lent. I may even 'fast' for the silly, but, presumably character building, religious thang that it be. Or, just not eat meat, or maybe just one meal a day and get unhealthier. This is fair warning to those who are my friends and know that via the internet is usually the only way to get a hold of me. Here is my house number, should you need and should I answer: 321-951-3102

Rule of 1/3's?!

There are three, and only three, things that I care about from this day on: What I eat, How I sleep and the patterns involved therein, and being in love and interpreting when that is and is not happening. I need to obsess about what I eat, because what I eat is directly related to everything else that happens to my body and how I perceive my mood to be. If I eat well I will be energetic and generally tackle a days 'work' with whole-hearted zeal and a thirst for accomplishment. This I know, because I see it day in and day out without actually paying too much heed to it. Sleep is similarly affecting. However, lack of sleep usually results in a dizzying sort of swirling near-drunkenness that sometimes can be pleasing, unlike not eating, which usually results in a headache and a certainly uncomfortable mood. Even though a full nights rest can be mentally clarifying and productive, it seems to hinder my creativity. I don't have to disassociate normal, concrete facts and emotions and then re-associate them abstractly in a sort of synesthesia. Which, is usually what any feeling of creativity is a result of. And, finally, Love is... Well what is love really? And, what is this need that we, or I, have for it? Is it comfort? Do we need to know that we are needed, as people, and only as ourselves for who we are? Or do we just need to service someone else? Either way, those options have similar ends and means. Maybe those aren't the reasons at all, and love is that lofty thing that Shakespear wanted Romeo and Juliet to be? Maybe... Who knows? Furthermore, who gives a fuck! Who? Really? We need it, We need to know it, and John Lennon said so.

THE END.

I talk about circles alot...

I believe that it is thermo dynamics or something or other that states that every thing moves from order to entropy or chaos. Well, I don't know shit know about shit, but I do know that everything is round, like a circle. The sun rises; it sets. We wake; we sleep. We eat, and we shit. All of it goes around, and everything is connected to everything else. Karma, whether it has an 'h' in it or not, is a bitch, and karma represents this circle as it pertains to the treatment of people and success of complex interpersonal relationships(dating). Everyday, is full of choices and making them is the only freedom we have. Thank god(or Allah or Buddha or Satan or whoever deity I forgot to name drop), and apparently I have bad that. I mean, karma. Not choices or whatever I was just talking about. So, after coming to that conclusion, I have decided that it is not possible to date your friends best friend and still remain friends with both of them... Or, something... Now, if that has anything to do with my previous karmic state or if that added to it, I don't know. BUT! I do know that I have ruined my life quite methodically and completely without me ever seeing it coming until now.

The idea has been tossed around, lately, that I may be a sociopath. Which means, that I am a conscienceless A-rated A-hole who A-nile-ates and man-eep-you-lates all the people around me and thier relationships. Whether this is true or not, I am not too sure. But, I will say that I have made leaps, bounds and strides in assimilating a semi-impervious wall around my sweet and melty emotional center so as to avoid being hurt. I blame this on the fact that women abuse me. Well, not abuse per se', but they have a mind of their own and they dump me and I never see it coming and then I end up ranting in run-on sentences to myself about how much I don't need them or much I love them or don't love them or how I should have left them and how they were probably cheating on me when all it is; all of it!, is just insecurity. I don't think I am worthy of love or attention from anyone. I don't understand it, it is hard for me to accept it, and sometimes I even fight it. Either way, I have been hurt, deeply, and somehow thought that it was okay, in the past (and even present) to hurt innocent bystanders who may have had real feelings of love and appreciation for me, all in the name of retaliation on some petty heart-breaker/little girl who didn't love me back.

I apologize.

I stole this...A little bit...

Inescapable, are our minds wishing to carry on thinking that one of these days will be the best day of our lives. Or, maybe, like minds sailing ships and building things; places to live. Like Bedford Falls... Or not. Most likely not.
Probably the woods, alone, sleeping the day into a night, and not even blinking.
But, instead, rolling over and wishing that there was more time for it. More time? Or, the right time? Shit, if anything willed it, anytime...
"Say brainless, don't you know where coconuts come from?" In the background whilst I pen my mind away hoping that it is like someone else's. Certain, assured, not jealous, only caring, and definitely, endlessly, or, seemingly only to me, stand-offish. Aloof, sums it up evenly. Truthfully, there aren't enough words or the words aren't good enough to say
what I need to convince you to change your mind. Which is good, seeing as I am...No wait... You are right, and even if I had the words, I respect you too much to actually attempt coercion.
I'll learn to accept what I deserve, because, in catering to my narcissism, I deserve much more. Consequences are all we have... Or, is it choices? Ask god, not me.

Pretend this is a painting.

Today has been an awkward day. I, actually, have not seen most of the day itself, per se, but rather, slept through the normal waking hours that most of us confide our business in. Reasons as to why this day has been spent wiling away the hours on a couch with the blankets over my head: Can't say, won't say, and I am not really allowed to say. What I will say, though, is that I am completely and genuinely terrified. This ordeal could swallow me whole, and leave nothing but a shell of a man! Sadly, it most likely will. Oh well... All we have in life is a choice? Well, there a few things that we don't have control over. Such as, being born and breathing, but other than that we do what we do and bend over backwards from the boons or consequences. Either, or.

"The bear went over the mountain. The bear went over the mountain. The bear went over the mountain to see what he could see..."

-Old wive's tale.

round and round and round and round...

I feel there is something that I should be writing about...or something I need to say? But, I can not figure out what it is. So, I am just going to keep going until I stop. hahaha I have been listening to LOTS of Brian Eno Lately, and trying to meditate. I want to be peaceful so bad. The Eno is really unrelated to the search for inner peace though. I think it is mostly consequnetial, as most of his solo work is very hypnotic to me. I am not just talking about the ambient stuff. Although, I have been listening to that more than I have previously. My initial venture into the work of the ex-member of Talking Heads' was the album Here Come the Warm Jets. There is nothing about this album that I do not whole-heartedly enjoy. From start to finish it is a carelessly plotted, or at least seemingly so, brilliant pop album that should be compared to the likes of David Bowie's Ziggy Stardust stuff and possibly (now this is a little bit of a stretch) The Beatle's Abbey Road. Go and listen to it. NOW. Illegally if necessary... OR! Send me money or cd-rs or contact me and I will send it to you... His other album that I have heard, Another Green World, is much more spacey and is clearly affected by his work in, basically, inventing ambien music or vice versa. I am not sure, as I have not put much research into this hypothesis. The album, however, is mainly just as catchy but is punctuated with shorter, instrumental, almost-interludes. Either way, listen to it as well. NOW.

Whether or not this has anything to do with whatever it is that is on my mind at the moment is unclear to me, however, still. I think I just wish that I had something to be creative about. I feel like my brain is a little stagnant right now. Someone inspire me.

Short and Savory.

Read this about 15 times over and over. It speaks miles to me, and I don't even know why... I also didn't like it until about a week or so after I had written it. Maybe that is important too.

In great and windy,
roaring nights
our hearts our beats
buried, steeped
swirled, lost
and
carried on
through seas of stars
lanes of trees
miles of road
and leagues
of nights like these!

Also, it is important to imagine me belting this out naked on the top of a mountain in a moses-brings-down-the-commandments fashion. (Sorry for the blaspheme...it increases emphasis! or something...)