My hands are not my words.

The woods are full of garbage. I don't get it. Why do all the houses in my neighborhood look like no one lives there... And, yet the surrounding woods look like people have been weekending there for the last year!? The lawns are brown and unshorn; the blinds in the windows are drawn. The driveway is empty with the cars, I assume locked away inside. I bet they are full of shit though... Tvs, computers, Michelina's frozen dinner boxes spilling over the trash can next to a sink full of dirty dishes. There probably isn't anyone home, though. They are at work, where they stay a good eight hours a day so they can afford those tvs and frozen boxes full of shit that is barely food. Regardless, my point is, if your house if full of garbage and shit you don't need then why are the woods? You don't own the woods. You have no right to put your shit there. Your old tvs, dressers, tires, frozen shit-food boxes... They don't belong there. Put it in your shitty yard. Not in my secret druid pond! In fact! You know who owns that pond full of shit, and those woods? Some real estate company. It's zoned industrial! Priced to sell, I bet...

basfkdnaskdjfg

Music is the same as books. Science is the same as God. We own nothing. I am on the internet too much. Boycott Wal-Mart. Shop at Publix... I don't care, just do something. I will see the woods and crickets tomorrow hopefully. But, not you. I'll need new lips soon. Maybe I'll get scars instead.

Remember, I am a sociopath.

UMMA DROOD.

Today I found a pond in the woods. Thanks to google earth that is... I am not sure I trust such an innovation... Maybe that is because I am paranoid, or that I have a certain fondness for the thrill of exploration. Not much compares to stomping through the woods, hacking at the bush, climbing trees to get a better view of the world under your feet and heading off in the most interesting looking direction... Next time I use the Robots as a guideline.

The pond was disgusting, by the way. It was black and frothy, and full of bugs. There was a chair sunken in it, the remnants of a boat and other many tiny pieces of pollutants. I want to clean it up. Who wants to help?

Also, for my own personal agenda, listen King Crimson's album In The Wake of Poseidon.

For the sake of redundancy...

Couldn't have said it better myself!

I want tea.

I love George Orwell...

That is all. Marry me wilderness!

Jabberwocky

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
-Lewis Carroll

I feel like I have something to say, but no way to say it. So fucking typical.

In open-range I see the sea,
and seize besiegingly
the waves and waters salt and feed.
Not beholden to moral boundaries;
I beseech the nature's orrificees!

God, I make myself laugh so hard sometimes.

Build a boat,

I'd like to be a sailor, or anything else that isn't a slave to wage labor. I'd like to build my own house. It is currently my only plan. Scrimp and save and get an education as something to fall back on.

Less importantly... I wonder what kind of badass tax breaks I can get if I create a religion...

Plants Vs. Zombies is good.

Buy it if you can, steal it if you can't.

Video Games and, inherently, computers are two of the few commodities I endorse. Hypocrite? Maybe.

Fight me. You won't.

My head is full of doom. I wish I did drugs so I could appreciate this music more completely.

FUCK IT ALL

How many more of my post titles will contain the word fuck? It is an amazing word...

TODAY, as it is now, and has been, since it stopped being yesterday, is the first day of weekend of work. I get to either ask for a ride there, or strap myself to my bicycle and pedal my brains off for about ten miles. It is a great and tiresome, also usually boring, rarely dangerous, journey. The only thing that brightens this four days of seemingly endless drudgery is the fact that I get to see Rachel. (She is, for all intents and purposes my girlfriend, but referring to her as such belittles my feelings for her and her in general, really...) I do get paid on Friday, which is usually something to look forward to, but I didn't work all last weekend due to the fact that there was 'no shift Friday, Saturday, or Sunday,' so my check will be...about $30. This brings into question, I'd say, which is worth more? Money, or the time spent last weekend doing absolutely nearly nothing? The obvious choice is, obviously, the obvious choice.

I would also like to mention that last.fm has changed my life. It has inspired me to fill my hard drive with new and intriguing, wondrous aural oddities... Perhaps, I will tell you about them sooner or late.

Mountains made of steam, Thy will be done!

Fuck Politics.

I used to think that the government should help... It should provide for it's citizens and give them things like health care, education, and financial aid if absolutely needed. But, now I am beginning to think, 'Why do we, as 'citizens' need government at all?' My rather simple and, largely uneducated estimate is that we need government because there are too many of us under one roof. This theoretical 'roof' that I am talking about is the United States. Why are we all lumped under this one nation ruled by a huge, faceless, overbearing central government? Now, you may cry 'Democracy!', but how many of you can really say you feel connected to your senators and congressmen and the decisions they make or the legislation they pass, let alone know who they even are... We need government because our communities are disconnected, we live isolated lives, ignoring our neighbours, and our main goal in life is to achieve the "American Dream"... If we came together as a real community, shared resources, and made up our own minds about what want and need to survive we wouldn't need much of a government at all. What I am really getting at is FUCK AMERICA! LIVE IN THE WOODS!

Kinda related I think...

Dunno yet. I just started watching it.

Here is the rest of it.

This, is an outrage.

Sometimes my mind is blown; just completely enraged at the world. It breaks my head in two all the time, and all I want to do is not be here. The fucking everything doesn't work. It beats and beats and beats, the beast, over and over until there is nothing to eat. I mean eat and beat? Same difference right? You've all got your wheels and your fumes and you take and make what you want. You don't look at what you had or even ever really what you've got. Buying and selling the World you don't own. In fact, swallow this, you don't own shit. You are completely empty and broke. Wear your hats, make your love, follow death, fear it too, and when you get there and see it holding your hand... Ask not what God can do for your country, but what has God done? Or even, is God you? Or Satan, same and the won... Make believe it's not your fault. Tell them you care, but you just had to pay your bills. You'd like to give them back their hands and their childhood and no one is all evil right? But, what the fuck do I know. I am just a scared shitty man like you tucked away in his room only wanting a way out.


The moral of the story is...stop buying shit and live in the woods.

Video games have taken over my life!

Monster Hunter is the single most addictive thing I have experienced in the last...3 years? Aside from World of Warcraft. I have put over 200 hours into the game since starting it a few months ago. That amounts to something like 2 weeks straight? I hit dragons (moslty wyverns actually) with swords and capture them and make hats out of their skin. It is incredibly simple and unnecessarily complex. Japan loves it, and everybody knows they are the REAL master race. So, that obviously makes it awesome. Here's the wiki article...if you are interested.

Maybe I'll have something that is actually interesting to post soon...



P.S. My beard is getting massive!

Dude, fuck twitter.

Converge's new album seod suck. Their last two albums were close to amazing... Well, You Fail Me certainly was, in my opinion. Read Noam Chomsky. Make love. Get high. Fall dead. Or, whatever they say in The Great Deciever.

PAHFKJHSG!`

Looking at wordpress.org... Cheap and fancy...

HORTENSE

It is there. I can see it, and hear it. Mostly hear. A sort of quiet rustle. It does not make much sense right now. Later, though... Later it will. It looks like people with hair and bright clothes. They are making the rounds, the daily routines that they need. Its what makes them feel important. It also makes for the signature rhythm. That one I crave. It hurts to want to need it. All of those circles that have seemed to pointless. They are all starting to make sense now, and I hear it. I wish I couldn't see it. My ears can lie to me... But, not my eyes. They are my friends, and aren't old enough for that. Not old enough yet to not see. Hearing never ages though. It is always tricksy. Ears, oh you... So easily fooled. I see its hands, and feet, and shoulders. Standing tall, and bright. Being you and me and not those or them or they. I'd like to know who you are though... If you are even really there.

I need to keep this forever. POST POST POSTED everywhere else

"You make me sick. And I wish you would leave all of us alone. I don't want you fucking with any of my friends anymore. YOU ARE A DISEASE. No one wants you back in their life. Get it through your head. You fucked up. You haven't changed. Just stop." Rad

I FUCKING LOVE KATY PERRY.

stop American pop-culture has broken me stop Your son has died of influenza stop.
Gay.

Mullholland Drive(sp?)

I don't think that I understand David Lynch's movies at all. I don't think anyone really does. If anything, people just like to think they do. What sense is there to make of an aspiring actor having lesbian sex with her amnesiac roomie who was involved in some crazy mob shit?! I don't get it, but Naomi Watts is F-I-N-E, FINE. My brain also likes to try and sort it all out. It is a puzzle. It all seems random, but my brain still will not accept that is completely random. So, it trys to make everything make sense and put it all on one timeline. Even though things aren't happening chronologically at ALL. That is all. No moral. No introspection or insight. Read it and weep!

Delete.

I'm tired, and despite the last two days, am pretty upset?

Saline is my brain, at least in reference to myself?
I will believe what you say readily, but what I am is a mystery?

haha That is plain, self-abosrbed and trite enough. Cut it! Print it!

Don't think too too hard...

Somehow, today has been an interesting day of zen, and discovery. Even though it has been one of the simpler days, when compared to the hectic sleepless weekends filled with obnoxiousness, loud music, while the stress of trying to become one's-self usually fills out the rest of the week... All day, whil I have been sitting here at my computer slowly crawling across the internet, refreshing the various myspace, facebook, and the like, I have been thinking about something that someone said to me today... Here is a transcript of the convo via AIM.

V: blah blah blah Why do you hate Dylan?

Me: blah blah blah He tries to hard to please people and changes interest
based on the people he is trying to please.

V: Naw, he is awesome, and completely comfortable in his own skin. You are jealous as you should
be.

None of that is direct quotes except the last sentence. Anyway, I digress... The point is that trying to be 'comfortable' in one's 'own skin', as some might say, is probably one of the more difficult tasks of living for me. Day in and day out I measure myself against the people around me. Their oohs and ahs, hems and haws(thanks Logan) can be a carnival-mirror reflection(cliche...I know), if not completely then at least to some minor degree, of who I might be. So, as I sit here clicking the stumble button over and over and listening to the setting sun and the groaning cicadas, I think back to all those people that I 'ruined' or 'wronged'. Does that make me careless? Evil? Does that make them weak? Does it make them broken? Or are we just Narcissus, in love with our reflections in a pool?



GOD that sucked.

Where do you go?

Eraserhead is possibly one of the best, and most soothingly awkward 'things' I have ever seen in my life. The ending made me so happy. Although, there were times when everything was just so unbearably stressful about the whole experience... There will be more David Lynch for me to come I am certain...

This post may mark a return to my regular, nearly daily blogging schedule... Even though I know no one really pays much attention to this.

I have also recently taken up biking very long distances. I enjoy for the sense of freedom it give me, if not for the superb and euphoric endorphine-fueld sensation after a 10 or 20 mile ride. Being that cycling has become my main means of transportaion, I have set up some goals in learning the mechanics, lingo, and just regular maintenance of the 'sport'. So, if those few of you who read this come across anything of that nature, or if you have previous experience or knowledge on the subject you should lemme know.

powerlessness

Today was wonderfully gloomy, sleepy day. In fact, 13 hours worth of sleepy. I am not quitting everything. That, I have, at least, discovered today. The power went out and I napped. I thought about ugly things... Marry me?

Seeing as

my computer is in constant state of disrepair, this may seem like a cop out, and the fact that I really don't adhere to any christian dogma may make it seem pointless. But, nevertheless, I am giving up my computer and the internet for the duration of Lent. I may even 'fast' for the silly, but, presumably character building, religious thang that it be. Or, just not eat meat, or maybe just one meal a day and get unhealthier. This is fair warning to those who are my friends and know that via the internet is usually the only way to get a hold of me. Here is my house number, should you need and should I answer: 321-951-3102

Rule of 1/3's?!

There are three, and only three, things that I care about from this day on: What I eat, How I sleep and the patterns involved therein, and being in love and interpreting when that is and is not happening. I need to obsess about what I eat, because what I eat is directly related to everything else that happens to my body and how I perceive my mood to be. If I eat well I will be energetic and generally tackle a days 'work' with whole-hearted zeal and a thirst for accomplishment. This I know, because I see it day in and day out without actually paying too much heed to it. Sleep is similarly affecting. However, lack of sleep usually results in a dizzying sort of swirling near-drunkenness that sometimes can be pleasing, unlike not eating, which usually results in a headache and a certainly uncomfortable mood. Even though a full nights rest can be mentally clarifying and productive, it seems to hinder my creativity. I don't have to disassociate normal, concrete facts and emotions and then re-associate them abstractly in a sort of synesthesia. Which, is usually what any feeling of creativity is a result of. And, finally, Love is... Well what is love really? And, what is this need that we, or I, have for it? Is it comfort? Do we need to know that we are needed, as people, and only as ourselves for who we are? Or do we just need to service someone else? Either way, those options have similar ends and means. Maybe those aren't the reasons at all, and love is that lofty thing that Shakespear wanted Romeo and Juliet to be? Maybe... Who knows? Furthermore, who gives a fuck! Who? Really? We need it, We need to know it, and John Lennon said so.

THE END.

I talk about circles alot...

I believe that it is thermo dynamics or something or other that states that every thing moves from order to entropy or chaos. Well, I don't know shit know about shit, but I do know that everything is round, like a circle. The sun rises; it sets. We wake; we sleep. We eat, and we shit. All of it goes around, and everything is connected to everything else. Karma, whether it has an 'h' in it or not, is a bitch, and karma represents this circle as it pertains to the treatment of people and success of complex interpersonal relationships(dating). Everyday, is full of choices and making them is the only freedom we have. Thank god(or Allah or Buddha or Satan or whoever deity I forgot to name drop), and apparently I have bad that. I mean, karma. Not choices or whatever I was just talking about. So, after coming to that conclusion, I have decided that it is not possible to date your friends best friend and still remain friends with both of them... Or, something... Now, if that has anything to do with my previous karmic state or if that added to it, I don't know. BUT! I do know that I have ruined my life quite methodically and completely without me ever seeing it coming until now.

The idea has been tossed around, lately, that I may be a sociopath. Which means, that I am a conscienceless A-rated A-hole who A-nile-ates and man-eep-you-lates all the people around me and thier relationships. Whether this is true or not, I am not too sure. But, I will say that I have made leaps, bounds and strides in assimilating a semi-impervious wall around my sweet and melty emotional center so as to avoid being hurt. I blame this on the fact that women abuse me. Well, not abuse per se', but they have a mind of their own and they dump me and I never see it coming and then I end up ranting in run-on sentences to myself about how much I don't need them or much I love them or don't love them or how I should have left them and how they were probably cheating on me when all it is; all of it!, is just insecurity. I don't think I am worthy of love or attention from anyone. I don't understand it, it is hard for me to accept it, and sometimes I even fight it. Either way, I have been hurt, deeply, and somehow thought that it was okay, in the past (and even present) to hurt innocent bystanders who may have had real feelings of love and appreciation for me, all in the name of retaliation on some petty heart-breaker/little girl who didn't love me back.

I apologize.

I stole this...A little bit...

Inescapable, are our minds wishing to carry on thinking that one of these days will be the best day of our lives. Or, maybe, like minds sailing ships and building things; places to live. Like Bedford Falls... Or not. Most likely not.
Probably the woods, alone, sleeping the day into a night, and not even blinking.
But, instead, rolling over and wishing that there was more time for it. More time? Or, the right time? Shit, if anything willed it, anytime...
"Say brainless, don't you know where coconuts come from?" In the background whilst I pen my mind away hoping that it is like someone else's. Certain, assured, not jealous, only caring, and definitely, endlessly, or, seemingly only to me, stand-offish. Aloof, sums it up evenly. Truthfully, there aren't enough words or the words aren't good enough to say
what I need to convince you to change your mind. Which is good, seeing as I am...No wait... You are right, and even if I had the words, I respect you too much to actually attempt coercion.
I'll learn to accept what I deserve, because, in catering to my narcissism, I deserve much more. Consequences are all we have... Or, is it choices? Ask god, not me.

Pretend this is a painting.

Today has been an awkward day. I, actually, have not seen most of the day itself, per se, but rather, slept through the normal waking hours that most of us confide our business in. Reasons as to why this day has been spent wiling away the hours on a couch with the blankets over my head: Can't say, won't say, and I am not really allowed to say. What I will say, though, is that I am completely and genuinely terrified. This ordeal could swallow me whole, and leave nothing but a shell of a man! Sadly, it most likely will. Oh well... All we have in life is a choice? Well, there a few things that we don't have control over. Such as, being born and breathing, but other than that we do what we do and bend over backwards from the boons or consequences. Either, or.

"The bear went over the mountain. The bear went over the mountain. The bear went over the mountain to see what he could see..."

-Old wive's tale.

round and round and round and round...

I feel there is something that I should be writing about...or something I need to say? But, I can not figure out what it is. So, I am just going to keep going until I stop. hahaha I have been listening to LOTS of Brian Eno Lately, and trying to meditate. I want to be peaceful so bad. The Eno is really unrelated to the search for inner peace though. I think it is mostly consequnetial, as most of his solo work is very hypnotic to me. I am not just talking about the ambient stuff. Although, I have been listening to that more than I have previously. My initial venture into the work of the ex-member of Talking Heads' was the album Here Come the Warm Jets. There is nothing about this album that I do not whole-heartedly enjoy. From start to finish it is a carelessly plotted, or at least seemingly so, brilliant pop album that should be compared to the likes of David Bowie's Ziggy Stardust stuff and possibly (now this is a little bit of a stretch) The Beatle's Abbey Road. Go and listen to it. NOW. Illegally if necessary... OR! Send me money or cd-rs or contact me and I will send it to you... His other album that I have heard, Another Green World, is much more spacey and is clearly affected by his work in, basically, inventing ambien music or vice versa. I am not sure, as I have not put much research into this hypothesis. The album, however, is mainly just as catchy but is punctuated with shorter, instrumental, almost-interludes. Either way, listen to it as well. NOW.

Whether or not this has anything to do with whatever it is that is on my mind at the moment is unclear to me, however, still. I think I just wish that I had something to be creative about. I feel like my brain is a little stagnant right now. Someone inspire me.

Short and Savory.

Read this about 15 times over and over. It speaks miles to me, and I don't even know why... I also didn't like it until about a week or so after I had written it. Maybe that is important too.

In great and windy,
roaring nights
our hearts our beats
buried, steeped
swirled, lost
and
carried on
through seas of stars
lanes of trees
miles of road
and leagues
of nights like these!

Also, it is important to imagine me belting this out naked on the top of a mountain in a moses-brings-down-the-commandments fashion. (Sorry for the blaspheme...it increases emphasis! or something...)

NO NO NO

TOO MANY NIGHTS! and not enough responsibilities!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

DON'T go to the movies with four people and then have three of those people try to leave in the same car. It will, apparently, end in a hideous cacophony of tears and madness? Although, the previous, inevitable Chil-fil-a dinner will be worth more than anything that is of consequence for the next thirty years.

DON'T! ride in your best friend's girl friend's suburban that has bald front tires and horrible power steering issues and is full of close to 1000lbs of amps, equipment and people for three hours across some of the most barren and deserted Florida terrain. Why in the hell anyone ever decided it was a good idea to make settlements here is completely beyond me. The trees seriously look like razor blades and pieces of lizards.

DO! however, after surviving the previous insanities of the trek, play an all day show featuring some of the best grindcore and death metal bands out there, and meet some of the most interesting and genuinely nice people the world has to offer.

You should ALSO execute a phenomenal performance and sell tons of hand-made and hard-worked upon merchandise to scores of new fans that are also those incredibly amazing people that you would have never met in your life if you had not risked it in a death-trap automobile.

TRUST ME! in the fact that nothing can compare to the sense of family that I felt yesterday in company of people that I hardly knew and, sadly, may never see again. It was great. No other word can describe it. Except, maybe chaos, death-metal bbq!/block party!, or death-metal flea market and country store!

I am also beginning to regret the fact that I do not own a decent camera. Someone buy me one.

Here is a picture of a flea market for aesthetic and emphatic purposes.

Lies, literally.

Hearts are not hearts
are not noise
are not saviors
are not pie and whipping cream
are not broken crayons mushed and nearly colorless
are not sunsets
are not letters
are not dew and the smell of warming air
are not birds chirps and trills
are not swirls and sailing pallettes of lined paper
are not christmas carols that I only know the first verse too
are not every note on the piano cello clarinet guitar banjo periwinkles
are not the guts to give your name and number and skin and bones and garbage to all the people you will never know
are not the things that you will always know.

Hearts are always where you want to go.

Hearts are never fast or slow.

Hearts will never rhyme, you know.
Because hearts beat whether we tell them to
or not

Pre-curse-ory(hahaha)

IF the formatting of this is somehow MESSED UP...I am going to KILL google...


Most times, I hate this blinking cyclops'
constantly, flashing cursor.
It seems as if its always asking me,
"What are you doing?
What are you waiting for?"

blink blink blink

"Type what you mean to say, because you will never say it aloud."
With it's phrasing always in threes.
A flashing pupil of an unblinking, heartless mass of waves and wires.

It screams perfection!
While, I, can only dream.

Yet, sometimes...
The blank, uninterruptable, stare
of this modular beast
Grants me fluidity and eloquence!
Fearlessness I can not know!

The cold and one-eyed stare-downer,
cradles all that shit that rests just beneath my lower eyelid and then spills onto the canvas that starts at the

blink blink blink

The internet hi-jacked the internet!

Today...I was only allowed, by my internet connection, to look at myspace. And, that was it. No aim. No google. No email. JUST MYSPACE. Murderous assholes!! bright-house My ASS! It made me think of that internet neutrality act bullshit( google it haha) that was happening a year or so ago, and how fucked up that would be. Why limit such a perfect and pure media space. I mean, doesn't that go directly against the ideaology of free enterprise and competition and all capitalistic rhetoric that america loves to dance around in constantly?

Dear god in HEAVEN.

WARNING!!!!!!!!



PRETENTIOUS MUSICAL OPINIONS AHEAD!!!



READ ON IF YOU DARE!!!!






Give up the Ghost is one the most beautiful hardcore bands of all time. From the lyrics to the compostion of every song, it all just always blows me away...

There is
SO much beauty in NOISE!!

If you don't believe me then listen to Burial Hex.

Rant.

Umm fuck Chuck Palahniuk? He is not awesome, only controversial. Just because something is shocking doesn't make it art... If that was true murderers would be artists, and they ARE NOT. Just like photographers and ummm Movie making people?

BLUGHGHGGEGUGHEHGHQUEGHEGHFGHFFFFFFHEG.

I predict, hopefully...that today will be COMPLETELY uneventful. I want to just sit around and not deal with anything or anyone. Sometimes I think I have that phobia of going outside? Agoraphobia, I think. Maybe...hopefully?

FIREFOX CRASHED AND THE REST OF THIS BLOG HAS BEEN LOST FOREVER.
Here is all you get...

Imagine what could have been...

O! America...

So full of boredom
and complacency
and mediocrity,
and consequently,
Technology!?
Or is the state of The States
the consequence of our simplicity?

What am I saying!?
What does this have
To do with me.
I mean, Even I!
Place myself before
Various screens
and let them bleed
Things into my eyes.

Or is it that my eyes
Fell pressed to pry
things from them?
Born to always seek to find?

Look at my stuff!

~Unexpected

Interestingly enough...people are actually going to read this? I am impressed with them and their supportive natures, howevuh!,(illegal exclaimation substitution)none of it will make sense. I promise. :D

How could you do it?

One
Solitary staring eye
In this quiet mirror
Red and drunk.
In here, mired
Are all of these inhuman,
Careless ways.
Fucked.

The Bee Gees>EVERYTHING ELSE EVER

Sex.

Word association.

Scar saint sektor what we neglect poison enevlope carousel quartz quellar( not a word ) sanctioned even square nevermind wainright godsend calloway beer squeak gellar michele angel douce GOD negro frijoles such hot nerve damage Kerouac ginsberg mailman nevermore


THat is good enought I think.

Recluse's Requiem!(I don't know what that means

, but I certainly like the sound of it)

Where I want to be?
Alone,
Empty sea, tentaclese!
Take me down, under
you and bury me deep
way out west on sunset street.

You are such an idiot, and unoriginal.